THE VANNIE DIARIES.
Thoughts and experiences of a semi naive and reasonably young lady as with regards to her life, her loves, her feelings and her dating disasters.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Girl time with mama

Before mama left to go back to the province .. She and I went to spend a bit of time together.. Outside the house that is.. She likes to drag me out if the house because usually during weekdays I don't really go out.. 
Going out means ... Spending .. And I really don't like to spend a lot.. I mean I do like to spend but I'm kinda saving up for something.. 
We had lunch at red ribbon.
I didn't feel like eating rice so we just had palabok and ube cake instead.. (Atleast mine is ube.. 
(Ube cake)
Mama chose the teramisu. (Spl?)
I didn't feel like eating chocolate that day.
After that we went to have a mani and pedi :)

Today I'm off to get my hair done.
It's about time.. It's been over a 6months since I had my hair done. I need to have a hair cut and a rebond. 
Yay! Mom gave me moolah to pay for it.. I can't afford to have that treatment if I get it from my own pocket.

I have to buy some stuffs too.. Some cloths to make a curtain for the metal racks I have .. Now what colour should I buy? I want black.. My mom wouldn't appreciate that.. But I'm still debating.. Black or white? Black or white.. But I really like black!!! :( 

Maybe I'll buy some blacks and some whites? 
Then I'll have to see the damned thing. 
I dislike sewing . 


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Today's happiness

I miss fresh lumpia .. The one from ONGPIN but since the place is too far too go to.. (I'm lazy to go there on my own.. It's not really that far from where I live.. Its just a ride away..) 

.. I saw this at the mall..
It looks good enough like the one in Chinatown (ONGPIN  ST.).. I had to buy one..

Oh yes! Yummy fresh lumpia :)

The packaging is cute too..
I think I shall go again and buy 2 more from the Mall.. :) I have to take advantage .. That food stall is jut there for .. I don't know .. I know that it's not a permanent stall.. 

Ahh happiness :)

Since I was at the mall .. 
I kinda bought some sparklies too at a Japanese store
Push pins!! 
So pretty!
This is good for the project board that I am working on . 
I know.. This is just a 16 piece set and a bit expensive .. So I only bought one..
I also bought regular pushpins..
I really like the see through pin..
It would have been nice if there was a set that just had see through ones but there wasn't.. So anyway.. Yeah this is good enough :)

Lastly..
I like that cat and I had our regular chitchat :) he makes me happy .. What can I say? 
In just a few weeks I would have a tangible bf.. Well atleast for two weeks I would have a real live bf.. Tangible :)
I would be able to hold hands in public.. (Yeah I know .. So pathetic ) . He would be my first bf who I would not have to hide.. I can hold hands.    :) go out in a date... A real date ..

I know.. Long distance relationships are difficult but I would meet him in the flesh soon...
My mom and dad are ever so supportive .. My dad wants me to marry already but even if I want to get married someday.. I am not thinking that way with cat yet.. My mind is just stuck to thinking about meeting cat.. And I haven't thought about anything else other than me and him meeting.. And enjoying each other's company. 


More happiness soon ..
#onehappybunny 

The morning look...

No make up..
Just woke up..
Looking pale 
Possibly sporting a morning glory..
Or maybe dried up drool somewhere..
Uhmm lemme check...
Oh well.. Thankfully no drool or morning glory lol

Waking up looking horrible like this isnt a pretty sight..
No make up..
No powder..
Tired looking..

One of my male friends said that if we girls found a guy who does not mind how we look when we just woke up.. And would still like/ love us anyway... Is a keeper..
Hmm doubtful..
Who knows..

I look eeekky! 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Elevator crazies

My buddies with  Justice Sandoval :)
Selfies in the elevator with the barkada has really been a thing lately ^.^

3 am dinner or is this already breakfast?

Ma came home at about 3 am .
She brought food..
So I guess this is dinner..
Or is this already breakfast?


Biological clock

It's past 2 am..
I can't sleep yet..
Mom isn't home yet..
:(

I cant think of anything else tonight other than... 
I want children!!!!!

I am feeling depressed again..

I am being more irrational than most days right now .. I want children..
I'm already 31 and my clock is ticking .
Sure sure.. I would have a tangible bf in about two weeks but that's just it a bf and it's not like I'm gonna marry him..
I'm just going to see if we would like each other in person. It's not like I'm gonna get children with that..I don't think we would want to anyway.. That would mean.. Well I don't know.. Something not rational if I would just get banged and bloat and voila! Have a baby.. No.. This is just a getting to know each other stage and see if we don't kill each other in what? A few weeks..

No.. I'm not thinking about anything permanent since I don't know yet . We both don't know yet . 
We just gonna .. I don't know.. See Disneyland or Bali.. And/or go camping or something ..
Nothing decided yet..

Can't I just miraculously get pregnant on my own? Immaculate conception ?
You know.. The kind that I won't get stoned for? *sighs* invitro seems to be the only thing that would make me not get stoned (or the modern version of that.. Whatever that is)

That way.. I would not get awful looks from relatives and friends if I get preggers alone.

Invitro seems quite acceptable .
It's the only acceptable way to be single and preggers .

Oh f*ck!
I am so depressed about this. I was expecting when I was younger that I would atleast have one child before 30 and maybe a couple after that age...

This just sucks ..
Whoopedoo!! (Sarcastic )
My dad would just laugh off at me if he heard me right now..
He'd joke around that I am acting like a spinster..
But papa!!! I am already a spinster! 

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Smiley :)


 2 weeks...
2 weeks more..
Wheee!!!
2 more weeks???

So excited!!! :)

Now I am worried...
I have to fix my hair...
I have to buy new clothes..
I need to look good..
Ayayaiiii!!

Sighs...
I hope he would like me in person..

This evening..
I scolded him for staying up late..
He wanted to talk to me...
Well.. I told him i can bore him with a boring topic..
Lol
We talked about my classes ..
Political law..
Territories..
China..
Till he became sleepy :p
That must him been boring or he got too exhausted lol

Ahh.. Well.. 
I am excited to see him soon. :)


Thursday, July 17, 2014

Worried

So.. The trip is pushed back a bit..
Okay.. This whole planning thing is difficult..
Not certain yet if it's Bali or Hong Kong.
Definitely not China..
Unless it's a package tour.

I'll be happy if it's Disneyland ^.^
I mean Hong Kong is pretty nice because of that.. But I want to see Bali...
Hmmm...
So yeah we've been looking at tours and calling travel agencies .
Decision making is difficult ... Eeek!
I just want to know precisely where we are going and that's not decided yet.

I also need to know exactly when and how long he is going to arrive here in the Philippines because I need to secure a hotel reservation that my moms friend is going to provide . Kinda nice.. Cat won't pay a thing for that.. It's free ^.^
I'm happy my mother is supporting me in this relationship. I guess she and my dad want me to have a life of my own too.

But yeah.. 
They do know that this relationship isn't certain. Cat and I need to get to know each other first and then.. Well.. I don't know.. Well see what happens next. 

Cat hasn't been feeling well lately.
This makes me worried .
I need him in good condition .
I need to be in good condition too so I am trying to sleep early ( damn dark circles under my eyes).
I am worried about cat..
His health makes me worried a lot..

I know I am usually overly dramatic and exaggerated in expressing my being worried about him.. I just can't lose him to any sickness . Lyme disease? Really? I don't have a clue on what that is but apparently it makes people lose sleep. 
I had this weird thoughts in thought bubbles.. Pictures of stalactites and stalagmites (you know from caves and all.. You know.. Lime deposits .. -- lime instead of Lyme  :p ) growing and defacing people's faces . Eeek! 
I'm awful with my thought bubbles..

There's chronic Lyme disease?
Maybe... It's still controversial ..
This makes me wonder if it's common in the US then maybe my x has it? 
He has trouble sleeping too.. 
Doubtful I have that.. Although on most nights sleep eludes me.. 
I'm just a happy to get sleep whenever I can. I just need to train myself to sleep early.. 

Last night I wasn't able to sleep early.. 
I'm just happy cat helped me sleep.. Though he doesn't know..
Being alone most of the time and just staring at the ceiling .. Seeing nothing but the dark.. (I like sleeping in the dark with lights off).. Well.. My mind is blank and I think mostly about nothing but I find it difficult to sleep..

But if Cat talks to me during ungodly hours .. I find myself nodding off.
This may sound so unflattering to him bit it's actually a compliment. No Cat isn't boring. It's just that.. I find myself at ease and so not alone . That I am not alone .. That somewhere.. Somehow.. Someone out there cares about me .. Someone other than my parents..
I am comforted by that fact.
I am not alone and I mean something to someone who I also care about.
.. That I matter..

I don't want to talk about love..
( funny that I said I don't want to talk about it but here I go saying something about it)
Love is just so...
I don't know.. How do you define that anyway?
It's just some sort of a feeling.. Something indescribable .. No words can really define fully what that is..

But care..
The word care is safer..
I don't want to use the word love anytime soon.. I mean I feel it.. But I am afraid to use that word again... Not today .
Maybe someday.. But not today .

I feel being cared for..
Important..
That my opinions matter..

I don't really have much opinions on things that matter but I like it that he asks me for my opinion.. 
What do you thing?, he asks..
 
I'm tired..
It's nearly 10 pm.
I should try to sleep early.
No dinner for me tonight.
Just a shake.
I have class again tomorrow ..
Yay! (Half hearted)
5pm -7pm
Gotta info cat that.
*sighs..
I wish cat was here right now.
I'd sleep better if he was here. 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Thinking too much

"What if we won't work out..
Will you be okay?"

----
I'm thinking about what I really should have said in detail to cat..
I did say I would be okay..

I think what I told him was sufficient enough..
But thinking about it now ...
Well...

I would be okay..
I think I would be.
This would just hurt more..
Last year for me kinda hurt..
I mean I was in love with someone else last year.. And well.. I don't know what happened.. I think I should read my past write ups on how I felt..
It hurt..
I mean I remember it hurt .
But I don't feel hurt anymore .
I remember being hurt but I don't remember the feeling if being hurt anymore. I just remember the word .maybe I really have moved on.
Time heals..
I just don't need to be reminded .
I just don't need to talk anymore .
I just don't need to reopen my past wounds and remember how being hurt feels like.

So if ever he and I wouldn't work out..
I would need to just cut off all communication .
I need to remember.. To learn from my past mistakes .. All my faults ..
And try to not repeat them again.

So if he and I would not work out..
Well... I did already told Cat what I would do. I do need to discuss this again with him in person . Face to face.

I don't need to waste anymore of my time if we won't work out.

He told me not to not have any hope.
But let's face it.. It's better to be emotionally prepared. 
I do care about him.
But with him being so always logical ... He is unaware that he is teaching me to build up a wall between us.
I do not want to get hurt.
But getting hurt is inevitable.
The best I can do is to anticipate.. To ready my self for the worst that can ever happen.. That means.. We won't work out. He can't blame me for this.

I am a very emotional person.
I get hurt easily.
What is the best that I can do?
Enjoy our time .. That short amount of time that we would spend with each other... And then.. I guess I would have to move on. 

I already know him well enough..
I know him well enough to like him a lot.
Daily constant communication with him.. Over a year of that... 
I think I know him well enough..
I know him well enough to know that the possibility of making this relationship work is slim.
He can't fault me in this..
The way how I think right now..
He taught me to think like this.
Not give up easily?
Who are we kidding?
With him having issues with making any decisions.. I'll end up waiting for nothing.

I want someone to love me.
But Knowing myself ..
Knowing myself well enough. 
I would not ever force any person to like me .
Forcing someone to like me is a bad idea.
I would not be pathetic and cry or plead anyone to do anything that they don't want to do.

I already know that there are other people out there in the world for me.
I am not that bad looking.. 
But somehow .. Right now.. I like cat a lot and I can't see any other face other than his . My world seems brighter when he is around.  

But I want something else..
I want permanence and with that said.. 
I have a feeling that I would not be offered that by him.
Since he is visiting soon ..
(He better ! )
It would be a chance for him to get to know me in person .. And I .. Him.

If there would be no future ..
I need to quit the relationship with him ASAP.

There would be no reason to continue.
We would be wasting each other's time.

I don't care if I am being selfish.
I have the right to be selfish.
I have only a few good years left in me and I need to use it wisely .

He should be understanding about this.
I told him last time about this.. 
If we decided that we won't work out well together., then.. I would need to move on or atleast try..




Monday, July 14, 2014

Mom decides to "air" bunny out.

I thought I was being put on a diet...
I really lost weight but my mom decided to fill up my refrigerator with food..
Too much food.
So many calories ..
Too much bread stuff.
Too much meat.
I don't cook so she bought ready to eat food stuffs that I am to just nuke.

This evening she dragged me out to dine.
I really don't want to eat.
She told me to pick any place . Any restaurant.

I just wanted fries and a coke float but mom wanted chicken..

So I said how about shakeys ?
The chicken there was bigger.
But when we got there I remembered that I didn't like the new pasta sauce they had for the bunch of lunch meal. 

So we went to Max's 

I told mom to just order the combo meal instead of our usual whole spring chicken.
My younger brother wasnt with us so it's better not to order a whole chicken.

Ma had rice and chicken and pancit and a caramel bar

I had the one with fresh lumpia .


And now I can't breathe well.
I'm stuffed!
Not really happy about eating tonight :(
My diet.. Ruined...


Other people are worried about where to get their next meal..
I'm kinda worried about how I can be able to eat all those food in my fridge.
I really don't like eating a lot of bread stuff or much meat . I'd prefer fruits .

So I'm thinking...
Maybe I should just give away some of the food tomorrow.. There are other people who would be happy .
It's better to give those away before they expire.. I don't like to know I wasted food when other people go hungry.

Anyway.. Ma is happy she aired me out today.. She doesn't like knowing I don't really go out.  Hmm.. I'm kinda feeling like I'm being compared to linens or furniture or something.. 
Aired out??? Really?
What a nice term to use mom..