THE VANNIE DIARIES.
Thoughts and experiences of a semi naive and reasonably young lady as with regards to her life, her loves, her feelings and her dating disasters.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Tearful

Wishing cat was here right now..
I mean it would be nice to just have him here right now even if he would just sleep and I would just be awake and you know .. Know that I am not alone .,

Right now I am pathetic ..
I'm watching charmed season 1 and crying over Piper  H. and Mark Wong  (the ghost) . Piper fell of a dead guy .. Fine... A ghost..
And that never ends well...
How horrible :( 

Damn.. 
I feel so sad .
How pathetic .

Feeling melancholic ...

I'm feeling depressed right now.. 
Kinda awful.
I'm alone ..
Moms back home in the province with papa.. 
I'm just all alone .. 
So alone ..
It's not pretty to be alone..
It's just plain awful to be alone..
I'm already 31 and I'm not getting any younger.. 
It would be nice to have kids running about.. Noisy I know but hey.. It's different when there are children.. It's tiring but rewarding .
At my age I should already have a kid or two but no.. I'm still unmarried and the silence is deafening .
Damn...
I feel like crying..

What I need right now

I need to have a lot of patience ..
I worry a lot.. 
Yeah.. About him ..
And I'm helpless to so anything and everything right now is killing me and I am upset and scared and worried and I dont know.. This feels like a very bad case of PMS and I think I am going crazy...
Is caring about someone and no able I so anything about it besides listening .. This stressful?
I am stressed out but I can't stop being worried and it's killing me and I think I really really do care a lot about him and again.. I'm becoming really redundant .. I am going crazy!! 
This isn't really a bad thing..
I just need to de stress somehow and just vent out.. :( 

Okay I'm done venting out. 

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Opening up..

Well.. This afternoon cat knew about my feeling about being a nervous wreck and i told him to cancel his trip here..
Damn.. That man is very good in buttering me up..
He did it again!
Hmmm... Im a goner ..
That man absolutely makes me melt.
I feel like sunshine and beaming whenever he does that..
My mind turns into mushroom whenever he wears those sexy glasses..
He hates those glasses btw.. But i find it sexy :)
Hmmm..

On a different note..
He asked me why he never sees me smiling the way i do when we skype.
Hey its hard to smile ... Really genuinely smile ..
I mean okay.. My skype picture is a picture .. Probably my only picture that i had a real smile..
I was happy when i took that pic and i was thinking about him that day.

Ooh he likes my smile:)
I feel like swooning.

Ill probably smile like crazy when he would be here..
I cant help myself.

We played rock paper scissors today..
Utterly so juvenile..
It was fun..
I think when he comes here i shall teach him some card games.
Its fun to play games like that..
Poker? Pusoy dos? Tong its? 
Hmmm... I think i shall list that down with things to buy.
A card deck.
While getting to know each other and talking in person we play card games.
It would be fun.
I hate losing though..

I lost in the first round if rock paper and scissors..
And since i hate losing..
I cheated in the second round..
He accused me of cheating..
Hah! I denied ofcourse .
:)

He thinks im sweet...
/me swoons

I think my face hurts from smiling a lot today..
I mean... My day started awful because im going crazy with this whole thing about him taking a trip here.. And i somehow lost confidence in that going to happen..
So now that he knows... He understands now why im ... Well.. You know.. I acted the way i did recently to him. Giving up.
But now...
I dont know anymore..
I mean.. Really? 
Hes not cancelling..
I told him to cancel.
He better get his ass here ..
He better!

In someway.. I dont know how he does that but i feel better.. I felt better this evening.. He made me feel better..i wish he was here right now.. I really need him here for a hug..
My head hurts from over thinking..My heart feels a bit better now than earlier today but my head hurts from .. Well.. You know that feeling where you want to cry but couldnt?
I guess i need to cry to get rid of this headache..

I really like cat a lot..
I believe he likes me a lot too..

Nervous wreck!

Not feeling so well emotionally right now...
Would he or wont he?
Everyday i feel like im feeling all tangled up inside.
1 more week..
And then ill know if ..
Well i want to see him but i never really asked him yet if he bought a ticket yet..
Damn! I cant get myself to ask him.
I feel cold.. Physically cold..
My feet feels cold..
Im not feeling well..
I might as well skip school today..
I cant concentrate..
Maybe i should just sleep this off..
Not feeling well..
I feel horrible..
And so negative..
And im going home immediately back to tbe province if he doesnt show up here..
Ill need my dad to cry to..
I am dreading to be heartbroken again.
Will he come or wont he?

I need to know but i wont ask him .
Ill wait..
But this is killing me..
( wails)
Im so scared.
I cant endure another heartbreak alone..
I cant attend school right now..
My friends are wondering why i am so quiet these days and that i dont really talk and be noisy as i usually am. I dont want to tell them why. 
I would just look stupid.
Get married already they said...

Whaaaat???!!
Damn peer pressure!
I am not going to succumb to peer pressure.
They said that im of marrying age already.. Or past it..
Whaaat???
No to peer pressure!
Im not going to drag anyone to marry me..
Im not even 100% sure we would like each other in person or if he would really fly here.
He better fly here..

What i just want is that he get his ass here and well find out if were going to get along well or not.
Not everyday with him is all lovey dovey days..
We get on each others nerves sometimes but then each is ready to forgive and say sorry.
Im not perfect..
My fault usually is that when hes feeling down i get frustrated and make him feel more awful because im not too supportive and consoling. I react without thinking. I jump into wrong conclusions.
I judge him and make him feel awful and worse. My fault...
My awful fault.
I should try to be more supportive and be sunny and cheerful but im too moody..:(
I wish i was perfect..
Im trying.

And now...
Would he or wont he? 
Im feeling awful...
Scared..
And im not usually scared of anything.

Im often thinking of worse possible scenarios ..
Steeling myself.
I dont want to be a wreck.
If things go wrong ... Ill need emotional support..
That what my dad did..
He called me up a couple of nights ago and gave me a legnthy sermon on what i should and shouldnt do. 
I told him to give me a chance to make my own decisions..
If i commit a mistake.. Then ill just have to pick myself up and learn from it.
My choices. My decisions..
And then.. Move on..
But yeah..
I was ordered to go home immediately if things go awful.
To purchase a ticket and fly back home "ora mismo." ( immediately)

If things go awful .. Well im not telling my dad that i wont buy a plane ticket..
Ill ve going home but through land travel.
Ill need all that time to just be alone..
Maybe stop over a beach somewhere and spend atleast 2-3 days away from civilization and just find myself and try to pick myself up.

Yeah.. This is overly dramatic.. My thoughts now are.. But i dont care..
I am a wreck right now and i am entitled to be overly dramatic!


 


Friday, July 25, 2014

Worrying.

I need to stop thinking about this whole thing with cat. 
I'm getting unhinged with all this thinking..
Somehow I have some thoughts that h might not really come and visit.
I never pestered about the topic .
I never brought it up for quite some time now . He has medical problems right now and I am worried about him.
So.. Is he really going to go here or not?
He told me before  that he would and he gave me his word and I guess that is good enough.
He didn't give me a reason to distrust his word so his word is worth gold to me right now.
I trust him .
I just hope that I won't get hurt ..
I don't know what I am asking for with this relationship.  
I'm scared to see him.. Scared but excited.  On the other hand... I am also scared that he might not visit.  
I am worrying myself sick. 

Breathe!!!!

8 more days.. 
I still am not sure with things..
Im hyperventelating tonight..
Soo is he really going here or not?
Oh sheesh.. Imstarting to have issues with this whole thing..
I should not be excited and just put this all energy elsewhere. .
Would he or wouldnt he go here?
He better!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Girl time with mama

Before mama left to go back to the province .. She and I went to spend a bit of time together.. Outside the house that is.. She likes to drag me out if the house because usually during weekdays I don't really go out.. 
Going out means ... Spending .. And I really don't like to spend a lot.. I mean I do like to spend but I'm kinda saving up for something.. 
We had lunch at red ribbon.
I didn't feel like eating rice so we just had palabok and ube cake instead.. (Atleast mine is ube.. 
(Ube cake)
Mama chose the teramisu. (Spl?)
I didn't feel like eating chocolate that day.
After that we went to have a mani and pedi :)

Today I'm off to get my hair done.
It's about time.. It's been over a 6months since I had my hair done. I need to have a hair cut and a rebond. 
Yay! Mom gave me moolah to pay for it.. I can't afford to have that treatment if I get it from my own pocket.

I have to buy some stuffs too.. Some cloths to make a curtain for the metal racks I have .. Now what colour should I buy? I want black.. My mom wouldn't appreciate that.. But I'm still debating.. Black or white? Black or white.. But I really like black!!! :( 

Maybe I'll buy some blacks and some whites? 
Then I'll have to see the damned thing. 
I dislike sewing . 


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Today's happiness

I miss fresh lumpia .. The one from ONGPIN but since the place is too far too go to.. (I'm lazy to go there on my own.. It's not really that far from where I live.. Its just a ride away..) 

.. I saw this at the mall..
It looks good enough like the one in Chinatown (ONGPIN  ST.).. I had to buy one..

Oh yes! Yummy fresh lumpia :)

The packaging is cute too..
I think I shall go again and buy 2 more from the Mall.. :) I have to take advantage .. That food stall is jut there for .. I don't know .. I know that it's not a permanent stall.. 

Ahh happiness :)

Since I was at the mall .. 
I kinda bought some sparklies too at a Japanese store
Push pins!! 
So pretty!
This is good for the project board that I am working on . 
I know.. This is just a 16 piece set and a bit expensive .. So I only bought one..
I also bought regular pushpins..
I really like the see through pin..
It would have been nice if there was a set that just had see through ones but there wasn't.. So anyway.. Yeah this is good enough :)

Lastly..
I like that cat and I had our regular chitchat :) he makes me happy .. What can I say? 
In just a few weeks I would have a tangible bf.. Well atleast for two weeks I would have a real live bf.. Tangible :)
I would be able to hold hands in public.. (Yeah I know .. So pathetic ) . He would be my first bf who I would not have to hide.. I can hold hands.    :) go out in a date... A real date ..

I know.. Long distance relationships are difficult but I would meet him in the flesh soon...
My mom and dad are ever so supportive .. My dad wants me to marry already but even if I want to get married someday.. I am not thinking that way with cat yet.. My mind is just stuck to thinking about meeting cat.. And I haven't thought about anything else other than me and him meeting.. And enjoying each other's company. 


More happiness soon ..
#onehappybunny