THE VANNIE DIARIES.
Thoughts and experiences of a semi naive and reasonably young lady as with regards to her life, her loves, her feelings and her dating disasters.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Short of...

Bun rhymes with hon.. (Short for honey)
Well I did get called as hon twice by him..
And mostly it's bun.. Or sweetness or cuteness..

Well not recently but bun is nice ;)

How come when that other guy called me a petname I hate it? Of all the names .. Babe???? Really??? 
And hillo??? 
Hilo means dizzy in my dialect .
Argh!

I'm not exactly zero in the tangible department. There are options for me but it's just that I always find something wrong with them. The tangible ones..

Anyway, so here is a guy who I try to push away. I mean I still do but deep down I don't want him to go away.

My dad said that if a guy is into me the guy would find a way to make things work. To be persistent . 

I haven't found anyone who is persistent yet but I have found someone who just wants me to be happy.. 

I don't know what the future would bring but I promised him that I would not disappear from him (with so much hesitancy Ofcourse).  

I care a lot about him .
I am so used to "our " time.

I really care a lot about him .
And now I'm really sleepy 


Friday, October 24, 2014

Today!

Yes I know I'm so horrible with subject titles but whatever .

Trying out the new KFC spicy gangnam chicken.
So I bought one for lunch and then picked up my newspaper.
Yes I know I'm fat and going to be fatter because I'm eating fast food but whatever . I don't care. If I'm fat then it's not like I'm wanting to be slimmer to attract anyone. 
Who knew this chicken is tasty? 
I like it.
What's wrong with what I bought is that instead of coleslaw they gave me mashed potatoes . They ran out of coleslaw. Ugh!

This afternoon I was just staring into the sky. I actually went upstairs because it was raining.. And then it stopped.. Oh well staring up into the sky looking at the clouds was nice.



Thursday, October 23, 2014

Dinner

At the manila pavilion for buffet.
Unfortunately it's not allowed to take pictures wel! 
But then I didn't take pictures of people just the food but had to do it quickly and eeeekkk! The photos are horrible yiiiiii!!!


I had to just ninja it. 
Sighs.. Horrid pics and I didn't even stylize the food in its best angle.. Not filled my plate with the other food stuff because I don't want to eat too much.
 Oh well this is ninja-ing it 
(Ninja-ing.. Well it's not allowed to take pictures there )

And yay! I won the minor jackpot.. 
It's the first time my machine got randomly picked to be given this minor jackpot. I wish I got a bigger price like a major or something or bigger. 
I was kinda panicking when my machine didn't budge when I pressed it and then lava oozed out from the volcano .. (Hard to explain.. It's a random pick to be given any of those jackpot thingies )
Ugh! Not that huge but that was okay for a small capital that I played. With moms money I won her 3k and with my 100php (that's the only cash that I brought because I don't want to spend too much on gambling) I won nearly 5k . 100 for 5k not bad. So I just took it home ^.^
If I'm using someone else's money that's cool with me. If I'm using my own money to play ? Well... I really prefer to spend my money on something else.


Sleepy...


Early morning selfie.
My back feels hurt by the cold floor.
The rug doesnt help out one bit.
I think ill just die of pneumonia one day if i continue doing this.. Sleeping on the floor.
Whos sleeping on my bed? My books... My bag .. My dog.., lol stuffed animal dog thingy.
On a positive vibe for today.. I dont look too fat anymore.
Just spinstery looking.
Damn im old already.
I still have to get rid of my excess weight.
If mom sticks around longer than she should im going to get fat because she keeps bringing me food.
Lately she just brings me veggie salad from the hotel though which is nice..
No to ceasar salad dressing . I bought vinegaret.

Eeek! I need to lose my tummy .. Fat rolls.. 
Im hungry ...
Didnt eat dinner last night.
Okay shake and tea for breakfast ... Yiiiiii..l
Ill go to the pool tomorrow. My body is all sore from all the running around i did yesterday.
I already shipped off the clothes to new zealand . I hope the xl size is large enough.
Im out of clothes already. (Not for myself).
People there are big i heard so i hope the clothes would fit them.
I havent posted anything new on my online shop.
Some girls are asking for prices but its sold out.
Sold before i post anything.
Gaahhhh.. My friend still owes me 5,000 php.
I need to remind myself to ask her to pay up.
I think its nice to just ship off everything that i have and not sell anything by piece. Its tedious to just get  small orders and run around each day to mail things and check on my bank account to see if a new deposit has been made. Shipping off everything is easier.
Do i still need to post new things in my online shop knowing that they wont be available anymore?
Yiiii.l i dont want to answer HM questions and say its no longer available. 

I wonder what else ill fancy to buy then sell off...
Mom is right.. I dont need a boss.
I just need to find out something that i like to do ..
But i dont know what that is yet

*sighs*

Just woke up and saw a message on skype from my x.
If he really actually was my x ..
Im confused . 
He keeps on insisting that I am angry at him when i am not.
I reflected upon it last time .
I sat down upstairs by the swimming pool  and thought about how I feel.
Anger? No.
Maybe he's the one who's angry at me? 
I don't think he liked the word laughable. My mom supplied that word for me.
I was just thinking of "okay ".
I guess that's why he thinks I'm angry at him.
I think this is the first time in all those years that he showed me his bad side .
I probably look like an evil bitch to him now. But that's okay. I'm not an evil bitch but if he is thinking I am . Well let him think that. That would be for the best.

I dont feel any more pain and I don't feel any anger towards him but I am not made of stone . If he keeps pushing me to be angry and insists that I am mad and angry at him I do not want to re live  all those times when I still had any feelings towards him. 
If he just digs and digs and digs and force me to get angry at him...
Wait a second.. Why is he insisting that I am mad at him?

Maybe to not make him feel guilty that he offered to give me something and then rescinded afterwards? Okay.. Well he shouldn't feel guilty anyway. He has no reason to feel guilty. 

I mean Jesus.. How many times did I have to tell him it's okay that he did that?
I'm glad he got to sell it and that he got money for it. Doesn't he know me well enough for all those years he and I interacted? I thought he knew me .
I guess not.

Maybe I changed. Maybe he changed. It has been over a year since I really had strong feelings for him. People change. I don't know what's going on with his life.. I don't want to know. I'm not part of his life anymore. If it makes him happy to think I'm angry at him to make him feel better .. Then okay. 

I just hope that he won't try to dig his way back to opening history. 
Wasn't i wishing him his happiness before? Ofcourse I want him happy. But it's not fair to let him be happy if he is insisting that I am angry at him when I am not .

Does he really want me to be angry at him ? I don't see the point of being angry at him. Does he want me to be angry so that he would know if I have any feelings for him.. Even anger?
I have liked and loved him with all my heart for all those years. I have never really demanded anything much. 
If he thinks I owe him so many things (I'm not saying he said that) well since I barely asked for anything from him other than time (and yes I have asked a favor for the minimum amount but that was during the 5th year) I never really asked for anything much because I am not comfortable in asking.

I have always been grateful for whatever he gave me. As for the rest that he gave me.. I never asked for it but I have thanked him for all those things . 
( what I did ask for... 25 usd ...
 a partial amount for my iPad . I needed atleast 25 usd because I only lacked 25 usd to pay for the iPad which costs 600 usd . -- I'm just converting the amount.. He gave me 50. A double of what I asked because 50 was the min amount.  )
It costs 499 at that time plus 100 tax.

I don't know what he wants now.
Does he want me to thank him again?
Or should I pay him back?
He wouldn't like that. Would he?
Would he be insulted if I offered to pay him back? How much do I owe him?
Uhmm I won't do that. I'm
Not that bitchy as to insult him that way. But if he demands well.. That's a different story . I can always xoom back his money to him . 
In my head I just think he wants me to be angry at him and insists that I am angry. 
I don't feel angry at all. I just feel sad.
I wonder what happened to him to make him be like that because he isn't the michael that I used to know anymore.

Where was that guy who was such a nice man? I prefer to think of him as that guy who I have thought died. This new one is a different person. I don't know this person anymore. 

It makes me wonder why he messages me . There really isn't any future with us. I don't regret any of my feelings for him then but that one instance before that made me feel hurt by him last year .. It was the last straw. There isn't any future with us. I am not what he needs . I have accepted that long ago.
I hope he knows that too.
I have never met him in person.
He never wanted to come or thought to come to see me anyway and I was already 29 then . What would become of me if I stayed in love with him ?
I count it as a blessing he got himself a gf there . I am not what he needed. It was time to let that feeling go. He ought to be happy really that he has a gf .

As for me I'm  just playing field and finding mostly everyone dumb as a box of hair. Damn! 

Enough about him.
I don't want to feel sad than I already am . And as for him selling that phone. Well I think things worked out the way they should be. If it were otherwise I might have each day thought about him everytime I saw that thing he was supposed to give me. I'm glad he rescinded and got money for it .
It worked out for the best.


Anyway.. That's that..
I can't wait to go on my Caramoan trip with the guys! Yiiiii!!!
Can't wait!
I wonder what else I would need to buy . Do I lack anything else for my trip???

On Saturday in going out with my mom to shop for things that we are going to donate for that poor church. They don't have any monstrance ( in the Catholic Church: it's an open transparent receptacle  in which the consecrated host is exposed for veneration ).

They need it . Last time mom bought priest garbs to donate to the resident priest because he didn't have any.
The only problem with that place is that the priests who are stationed there get sick . The patron saint of that place cures cancer.. That's why so many people go there and they get healed. The problem is.. It's the priests who gets sick :(


Anyway one day I want to be like my mom. It's no wonder that she didn't spoil us even if she earns enough money . 
She's giving her money to .. Well... I only found out not too long ago about the people she gives allowance to and she pays for their insurance and well.. Basically she's not spoiling us with whatever gadget we want because she's supporting people. WTG mom. 
So me not having some cool gadgets has its reasons and I don't feel bad about that. 
I have my iPod 5 and I'm happy with it. It's from my own money anyway.

What the hell?!!!
Where is my mom ????
She didn't come home last night???
I just noticed ! 
It's nearly 7:30 am and she not home!
Damn.. My mom is acting single when she's here and I'm acting like the mom..
Damn.. Yeah.. Heading that way for sure.. I'm  her spinstery daughter ugh!

I gotta call her and I hope her phone isn't dead.

Oh .. My mom warned me btw.. She told me not to get preggers this year. It would not be nice that I pop out a baby before an important exam. Ugh! But ma.. I want a baby.. You could always strangle me later just me... Just fall in love with the baby.  Hmm... So ... Yeah I'm thinking of getting myself preggers . I've been thinking a lot about it. No need for a daddy.

My friend Vanessa T. Is encouraging me . She made it by choice and her parents were like wanting to strangle her but that went away when the baby was born. Single parent.. Hmm that doesn't sound too bad. I want someone to love and I've been vocal to my parents about this . No need for a daddy. 
Can I do it? 
Will I do it?
I hope I can find someone?
I have one willing person to do it I hope he doesnt back down.

Anyway.. Life is too short to hate.
I prefer to live , laugh and love .
I'm in a confusing relationship right now with my someone special and I don't know how long this would last but hey.. It's just a few months shy of 2years . 
He's not perfect and this situation sucks but I feel happy . 
It's difficult to find men who are smart and can put up with my silliness and drama. I consider myself lucky I used to have a smart guy and then now even if it's an open relationship another smart guy.

But it's awful though both guys are not really nice to one of my exes. They were a bit mean labeling one of my x as the bean town man comic relief. So okay.. The guy wasn't smart the way the other two Ms were. But bean town man is street smart . And yeah he made me laugh.

Both Ms are serious people... Yiiii!!! Especially the one right now.
Compatibility wise were very compatible though. Not much into feelings but more on logic . But who knows about feelings anyway? I'm the one who's always vocal about things that I feel even if they don't really make so much sense. Oh well..
I don't care.
If I'm angry I tell him.
If I'm sad I tell him.
If im happy i tell him.
How else would he know how I feel if I don't tell him? He's not a mind reader.
A shrink but not a mind reader ... Yiiii!!!!

Additional: my mom said that I should give him his money back. How can I open a topic like that? It would be horrible. I mean I can pay back what he gave me. How much do I owe him?
I'm not sure . Should I ask him ?
I'm not that much of an evil bitch but I think I can manage to pay for whatever he gave me. But that would be a slap to his face and I really don't like to make him feel horrible. Who knows what's he's going through right now. I don't want to know. 

Anyway... Wish lists...
Ohhh yeah a new lens to my DSLR.
Yes yes I'm camera crazy and having a dslr before was just a dream and now I have my own ^.^ mine mine mine :)
I just need new lens. And yes to study how to use the damned thing. 

It's weird.. I only use to dream of having these gadgets and now I own things that I used to dream of.  Thank you universe for providing . 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Wtf???

So I just met this guy a few days ago and then what? He's messaging me now that he saw my mom .. And next to that message he said he's missing me? 

Ehhhhh?????
WTH???'n
Dude!!!
Not interested! 

Edit:
Frickin unbelievable!
Hes calling me baby now????
WTF???!!!
Dont call me baby!
Im not your baby!


Go to hell asshole!

Cultural difference..

Im just going to ramble about some things..
Married and really married?
I am so lost to that. 
The cultural difference is just so huge.
I dont really understand .
I mean basically i do but not really..
Lol

If people just get divorce why is there a need to marry?
Im so lost.

Anyway, how does this work?
This?
Oh issues..
Why does our issues get resolved easily?
No really big fights..
Uhmm i guess this is what they call an open relationship.
An unreal one.

Care is present.
Love one sided.
So am i a patient?

Monday, October 20, 2014

Feeling sad today

I didn't want to cause any drama well he was very understanding . 
I told him about some result in an fb test thingy and he was like trying to make me feel better ..

I should not have brought it up but I was sad.. And he was sick . 
It's just that ..

I am getting more melancholic each day .
I cried ..
He told me not to cry.
He said he wants me to be happy..

Well I am not happy..
I'm just getting more and more sad each day.

It's just that I wanted him to understand some things and since he's a guy I needed to explain some things because guys normally don't have any clue unless a female fully explains things.

On a different topic.. He compared me to the best relationship he had. And I'm close to what he had.. That I reminded him of her or atleast that feeling that he once had that he wants again.

I know what I want.. Well partially ..
But how to make it work?
We still have to find out soon.

As for now.. Well..
I don't know where we stand. I never made any commitments. I'm open to seeing other people and yes I would be seeing other people till that time I really do commit.

I don't want to make the same mistake of staying stuck and not seeing other people. 

I did go out on some dates .. If that was exactly considered as a date.. More like a sort of game show thingy like the bachelorette . I met some guys. Flirted with them even kissed a couple of them.

I might be seeing one of them again but I want someone who's smart.. Not as dumb as a box of hair.


Anyway I went shopping again today. Not for clothes though. I wanted to make my apartment a bit homey. I'm fixing things. Buying stuffs.. Organizing things..  I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in this apartment for a long time so I lived like I was going to move out any day but then I guess I'm keeping this place for a few more years so I want to add up some things and make it more decent.

I do need to buy curtains. I'm not happy with the current ones I have.
Maybe a red and gold one would be nice.
Everything is a bit of a mismatch .
I need something to put on the floor to not make me feel awful everytime I wake up each morning.
I feel like drowning each day having that awful feeling of having the cold floor seep into my lungs. If I continue like this I know I'm going to catch pneumonia and that isn't good.

Do 31 year olds die of pneumonia ? Possibly.

I really need to shop back home the clothes I don't use anymore. I mean damn.. With all the constant shopping that I'm doing I really need to get rid of all the clothes I accumulated for the past year. I've been living here for over a year already .


I need a lot of pillows.. I want nice huge throw pillows.

I don't want a sofa. My bed can serve as a sofa besides all my visitors are only here for an overnight or just have siestas to rest before they get going again.
I don't really like inviting people here anyway. Just my close friends or relatives . 

I'm hungry.
I'm not going to eat dinner though. 
I'm not eating anything solid during evenings.. Atleast for now... Except fruits that is.. 

But I don't feel like eating tonight..
My tummy is grumbling though.
I'm going to just buy grilled milk fish tomorrow for lunch. I'm just going to cook rice  here and I'll just buy the fish from the mall.
I'm just going to walk going there and walk going back. I'm sick of eating chicken. I'm getting allergies already.:(damn allergies made me burn my right hand .. I put too much ointment to make the allergy go away :(. My hand now looks badly damaged like its looks like it was burnt :( damn..


In a semi nice note for today.. A new friend that I met a few days ago reposted the pic I posted on my fb.

Me?? An American girl? I wonder what made him think of that...
My filipino /tagalog must be that awful.. Or I'm not even sure if I spoke in Filipino all that much.. Yiiii!
But anyway.. I'll take that as a compliment .



Sunday, October 19, 2014

Shopping :)

Okay so today was a very nice day for me. I went shopping :)
Mom bought me three dresses because she wants me to wear something nice and formal for a change. Aiyayaiiii
I'm so used to buying a-line dresses for myself with the same colours like red and black but my mom had other plans .. Sighs.. Pink? Really? Weird dress for me but it looks okay when I wore it..
And uhmm other formal stuffs which makes me look a bit younger than my own age .
This one is very tricky to wear ... Yiiii
Well this one is really formal..

Anyway.. While mom was buying me those dresses there was this white guy with his filipino gf at the shop . He handed over his money to pay for the dress he is buying for her . He handed his money to his gf to pay to the person incharge and then when th sales lady handed back the change to the gf the white dude was like .. " why did you give the change to her? It's my money!"
Wtf???

If I was the gf I would slap him with his change money and not accept the dress and then buy 10 of those dresses on the spot. What an A-hole.

Mama was like telling me the same thing .

For a fricking 100php change he was such an ass..
I don't think his gf would pocket the change. Sighs! Whatever..
Some men are asses.
Who needs them?

Anyway.. While mom was shopping for her own dresses I went somewhere else to buy my own stuff ..
I still have money to splurge so I did..
I'm quite happy with my purchases..

I bought half a dozen sport shirts with sleeves. Kinda like  the sleeveless sport shirts that I bought some weeks back . I'm quite comfy with the texture of those shirts so I bought every colour that the have except for white. White makes me look fat.

:)

I also bought 4 short shorts . 3 of them are identical to the last 3 shorts that I bought last time. I don't care if they look the same. I can't have too much of a good thing. Uhmmm also I bought one white one.. So that I would have something different.

4 tube tops 2 of black ones , one white and one red :)
One jansport small knapsack (pink).
I already have a blue one but maybe next time I would buy a green one and blue and black and if there is yellow. :)
I do need more colour in my life.

The most expensive purchase that I had today were my swimsuits.. Who knew they would be that expensive?? I can't help it.. It's probably because they are imported . I wanted the other design but it's brand is more expensive so I had to settle with the lesser expensive ones. If I had my way and brought enough cash today I would probably have bought every colour but I had to settle with two. It was a real ouchy on my pocket but I like them.
So I bought two.
One peach
One purple .

Maybe next time I'll buy the other swim suit design with the aquamarine colour. It was really pretty but damn on the price tag! If one of these swim suits is expensive well that aquamarine coloured suits price is double the price of one swim suit that I bought. Ugh!

I wish they had a yellow coloured swim suit . Yellow makes me look more glowy.

Oh I love this one.. A kimono (black and white) it's really a nice cover up for the beach.. It's just plain gorgeous . 

Purple isn't really my colour but it looks okay enough. 

Yep.. Im happy with all my purchases today. 

I still have to buy some jeans at Dickies though..

I need to buy a couple of those.
I'll just use my moms credit card maybe . She said okay..
I had to use my own money to splurge today though.

Anyway.. As for my mom.. Well.. She bought too many things for herself. I had to haul a duffel bag full of what she bought. But that not even "it". She had another huge plastic bag full of clothes.

It was difficult carrying all those things via train. Yiiii !!!

I need .. Actually "want" new boots. Hmm... Yep.. Definitely a "want".

Life is good :)

Shopping !

Attended mass early today and hurrah! I got money to go shopping!!!
I know I know...
I just need to buy new things..
I told my mom that I didn't want to go with her because I might see soMerging that Id like but she said lets go buy whatever you like ... :)
Clothes Ofcourse!
It's been what? A couple of months that I haven't bought any new clothes. :)
Yeah yeah.. I hope to find something .
The problem with me is that I want something I want every colour of it.
Like last time.. :) a dozen of the same thing .
And I need new shirts and short shorts and new swim suit.. Yep I want a new swim suit. The couple swimsuits I bought last time I used last vacation to iriga. I want something new to wear to Caramoan islands and I'm going soon :)
*sighs*

If probably need a couple of outfits and new stuffs to bring for my next out of town outing.

:)

I have the worlds best mom ever!

What else do I need? Actually not a need .. Mostly want..

I need more space here in my apartment. My clothes are sooo over crowded in my dresser. I need to ship home what I don't use anymore and I'm sick of wearing the clothes that I bought a few months ago.
I also need new jeans but I'll just have to see if there's a sale at dickies :) if it's 50 % off its fine.. I do have my moms credit card :)

:p

There's nothing else to make me happy now than to go shop for things I want. 

As for the power bank that I do need it can wait till next week. I found a 50,000 mah that I can get on a bargain:) 
I think that's what I'll gift pa on Xmas .

Hmm what else?
Ahhhh well.. I don't know.. I'll just have to go spend money today to make me feel better.